joke of the day

[commonasmuck]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[markh]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine

[Abaddon]

The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so... rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down....

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing: you hold the fork in the wrong hand; you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road; and now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Rhoda]

Ha ha brilliant Abaddon

[jonclox]

Five surgeons go for a drink.

The first, a Manchester surgeon, says:-
*" I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
*
The second, a Liverpool surgeon, responds:-
*" Yeah, but you should try electricians ! everything inside them is colour coded. "
*
The third, Newcastle surgeon, says:-
*" No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order! "
*
The fourth, a Birmingham surgeon, chimes in,
*" You know, I like construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over. "
*
But the fifth, a London surgeon, shuts them all up when he observed :-
*" You are all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no b*lls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable

[Abaddon]

One evening a woman & her husband are sitting in the living room. She turns to him & says,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
The husband then gets up, unplugs the computer, and throws out the wine.

[commonasmuck]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

[Colin]

Bough the wife a new bag and belt for Valentine,s day!

Hoover works a treat now.

[Abaddon]

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next."

They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

[Colin]

I was on my own in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to pass wind. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my release of wind with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then, I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.