joke of the day

[shell]

To al the Parents and Grandparents out there !!!!

THE TEA PARTY

When I was a toddler, someone had given me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[Della]

A woman once said that a man is like a deck of cards. You need:

a Heart to love him,
a Diamond to marry him,
a Club to bash his brains in, and
a Spade to bury him!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man goes into a supermarket and buys:

* one tin of beans
* one bag of crisps
* one pack of burgers
* one tub of ice cream
* one cake
* one yoghurt
* one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl asks him if he is single.
”Yes,” the man replies, “I suppose you can tell that from my shopping?”
“No,” the checkout girl says, “It’s because you’re a right ugly sod.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Five reasons why computers must be female.....
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your wages on accessories for it.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with"

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.”

[exmember]

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
Samuel Butler

People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.
Bangstrom

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
Brian Pickrell

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank Zappa

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
Tommy Cooper

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it.
W. C. Fields

God gave men a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

Enuff already !

[exmember]

Overheard conversation in a book shop in the town yesterday

A couple discussing a book '501 Must Visit Cities'

Man: Why would I want that, I’ve been everywhere

Woman: No you haven't!

Man: Name a place I’ve not been too.

Woman: Manchester!

Man: Why would I want to go there!


(They walked off with the book)

[sam_b]

My Mum and Dad brought that book yesterday....

[shell]

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying Little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

[exmember]

sam_b Wrote:My Mum and Dad brought that book yesterday....

Are you serious Sam b (nice name BTW)

To be honest they looked too young to be your parents ( going to make an old fogey statement now) but who knows nowadays.

[sam_b]

Sam Wrote:Are you serious Sam b (nice name BTW)

To be honest they looked too young to be your parents ( going to make an old fogey statement now) but who knows nowadays.

No, they didn't - my parents never go shopping together (well hardly ever) as my mum hates it - and my dad isn't exactly keen on it

Yes, I agree - we do have a great name!

well my mum is 50 - so it depends on how old you mean by old?

(I'm 17)

[exmember]

sam_b Wrote:

Sam Wrote:Are you serious Sam b (nice name BTW)

To be honest they looked too young to be your parents ( going to make an old fogey statement now) but who knows nowadays.

No, they didn't - my parents never go shopping together (well hardly ever) as my mum hates it - and my dad isn't exactly keen on it
......well my mum is 50 - so it depends on how old you mean by old?
(I'm 17)

The couple were in there 20's I guess and I think you indicated your age before hence my comment.

(BTW I bet your Mum will thank you for mentioning her age on the interweb)

[sam_b]

Sam Wrote:The couple were in there 20's I guess and I think you indicated your age before hence my comment.

(BTW I bet your Mum will thank you for mentioning her age on the interweb)

Sorry, I am sure I read it as you were saying they were too old to be my parents!! - I must learn to read things properly!!

My Mum doesn't even know how to use a computer (well, barely) so she won't know, but even if she did she wouldn't care! - I know many people though who wouldn't like their age mentioned on t'internet though....