joke of the day

[jonclox]

An American woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in America arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The American woodpecker claimed America had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The American woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the American woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).
The American woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the American woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the American tree, and the American woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently Tiger Woods was right....your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[Colin]

Rooney told Colleen that John Terry had slept with every England player’s wife apart from one. Colleen said yeah, I bet it’s Posh Spice, the stuck up cow!

[jonclox]

This posh wife was walking her dog along the river bank, when horrors upon horrors the dog fell in and started to drown.

Help, help shouted the posh wife, my littledoggie is drowning.........All of a sudden this German tourist jumps in, swims to the dog, grabs it and hauls it to the riverbank. The dog lies there unconcious so the German adminsters the kiss of life to the dog and the dog slowly comes around.

The posh wife says, I cannot thank you enough, are you a vet ?

VET ? NEIN I AM *OOKIN SOAKING !

[jonclox]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up

And says, "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..

Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister
totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[Colin]

Catholic priest driving down the street when he runs over a frog, thinking that he had surely killed the frog he stops and is amazed to find the frog still alive ‘save me’ says the frog so the priest takes him home to nurse it. Tucking the frog into bed and giving it some fly soup the frog starts to recover ‘read me a story’ says the frog and as the priest does the frog starts to fall asleep, as the priest tiptoes out of the room the frog wakes and says ‘I can’t sleep without a kiss’ the priest leans over and as he kisses the frog it turns into an 11 year old boy. And that M’Lord is the case for the defence.

[bea stoker]

(27-03-2010 06:30 PM)Colin Wrote:  And that M’Lord is the case for the defence.

Just about sums it up.
On the subject of which check out the name of the journo writing this article

[Colin]

An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin.

They had been queuing for three weeks to see "Closed For The Winter".

[Della]

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the MP.
“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What you have to do is spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the MP.
“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviare and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realises it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it's time to visit heaven.” So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don't understand,” stammers the MP. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. "What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning ... today you voted.”



So, so true …

[commonasmuck]

A rough and tough guy went out grizzly hunting one day. He was out walking and all of a sudden there he was. A huge grizzly eating on some berries and just minding his own. The hunter raised his gun, pulled the trigger and click.....nothing. The grizzly heard this sound and looked up and saw the man standing there and took off after him. Well, of course the man turned and started running in the opposite direction. He threw his gun down (wasn't doing him any good now), and ran with all his might. As he was running he looked to the sky and yelled "Please, God, make this bear a Christian." Just as he had finished praying, he felt the bears warm breath on his neck....down he went. He heard the bear say, "Dear Lord, thank You for this meal I am about to receive

[commonasmuck]

"A woman was discussing with her husband what she wanted as a gift for her birthday. She said, 'I'll give you a hint. I want something shiny and silver that will go 0 to 150 in about 6 seconds!!'

So can you guess what he gave her?............(drum roll)............ A SET SCALES !!!