joke of the day

[jonclox]

An American woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in America arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The American woodpecker claimed America had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The American woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the American woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).
The American woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the American woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the American tree, and the American woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently Tiger Woods was right....your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[Colin]

Rooney told Colleen that John Terry had slept with every England player’s wife apart from one. Colleen said yeah, I bet it’s Posh Spice, the stuck up cow!

[jonclox]

This posh wife was walking her dog along the river bank, when horrors upon horrors the dog fell in and started to drown.

Help, help shouted the posh wife, my littledoggie is drowning.........All of a sudden this German tourist jumps in, swims to the dog, grabs it and hauls it to the riverbank. The dog lies there unconcious so the German adminsters the kiss of life to the dog and the dog slowly comes around.

The posh wife says, I cannot thank you enough, are you a vet ?

VET ? NEIN I AM *OOKIN SOAKING !

[jonclox]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up

And says, "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..

Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister
totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'